It is the dawn of a new decade. All the mistakes, regrets and shortcomings of the past 10 years can be haphazardly swept under the rug. You will become a woman anew. But as you get on track with yoga every morning, eating more fruit and veggies and reading poetry by Kaur rather than scrolling through filth by Kylie (some argue that they are manifestations of the same woman, and maybe they aren’t wrong) – there is one habit that is a lot harder to break.
When the day is done, the space next to you on the bed so vast, and your blanket softly grazes your nipple – you morph into a blood-hungry werewolf. There is only one thing that can satiate your carnal lust, and that is dick. You can’t think, you can’t speak. You try hard to bring your attention back to your podcast about the internal conflict in Venezuela – but nothing is more urgent than filthy, wild copulation. Fuck. New year, new me?
Lucky for you, after a decade of half-finished podcasts, I have designed this trialled-and-tested method for becoming less thirsty in 2020.
Put on a yellow dress. Pack a bag of strawberries, sparkling water and a notebook. Travel to your local park, sit on the grass and gain some fucking perspective on your cringey habits of sexual gratification. This isn’t a judgement, because I can fairly assume this is true if you are reading this article.
Perspective: Will that random dicking really quench my thirst or am I better off with an inanimate phallic object?
Action: Eat the strawberries and take your yellow sundress to the closest sex store, where you will spend half your paycheck. No price is too high for overcoming habits that deter your personal growth, and nothing proves just how irrelevant dicks are than wholesome independent orgasms. This is your smartest investment of the year, no doubt.
Perspective: My list of suitable sex buddies has become embarrassingly boring. Tinder, Bumble and Hinge are a nightmare of patronising, entitled douchebags disguised as hipster allies under bushy beards and tight pants. How can I find a meaningful sexual encounter?
Action: Pack a backpack. Go to the airport. Leave the country. Have sex with the first suitable local you cross paths with. This can now be categorised as grassroots cultural immersion, rather than thirst-driven behaviour. Well done.
Look deep inside yourself and inquire, What do I enjoy doing that will bring me fulfillment past an orgasm, and doesn’t have a 70 percent chance of leaving me feeling shitty about myself?
Popular choices for recovering Thirsties include knitting, buying a cat and dedicating your life to it, reading angry feminist manifestos and baking. Instagram can be a slippery slope; yes your risqué photos can generate ample validation that offsets your need for mundane sex for the time being, but it is very easy to jump on the first moderately attractive dick who DMs you, “Hi!”
Avoid friends who have lots of great sex. Avoid alcohol for your first two months.
Objective advice & support are very important to keep you on track with your resolution. You need to actively counteract the influence of your thirsty friends and the thousands of memes on Instagram encouraging you to, “Yaaas get it bitch. Get that eggplant. Drip those water drops. Be a hoe, live your life.” These people are the saucy devils on your shoulder screaming for you to embrace the pleasures of life, do exactly what you want with your kitty – and they are completely right. But they don’t know your story.
They don’t know the tortures you have been through in guiding Mic and Tony and Rashid to your clit, only for them to miss the spot 0.7 seconds later and rub furiously to bring you to the edge of screaming exasperation. Thirst influencers make it all sound so easy, like every dude has expert foreplay skills. THEY ARE SELLING AN ILLUSION. Remember that. You gotta look after your emotional and mental health first. If the chase of the thirst leaves you feeling deprived rather than oozing with satisfaction – maybe I am the woman you should be listening to instead.
Also, O is for orgasms which are fast, guaranteed and earth-shattering when you leave a man out of the equation.
4. Tolerance Training
The first 30 days are the hardest, especially before your period when your hormones are raging and there seems to be a void in your very soul that stretches all the way to your puss and is weeping uncontrollably. Withhold. Just one hit of sub-par substance can unravel all your progress.
Train your brain. Remember all the disappointing and cringeworthy dickings – the meticulous instructions that Mic and Tony and Rashid were incapable of following, the times you had to run home to furiously masturbate afterwards, the dozens of alcohol-limp penises who loudly protested, “I swear this has never happened before.” REMEMBER THEM BITCH. And keep the hope in your heart alive that the dick of your dreams will find you sooner rather than later.
Follow the regiment of steps 1, 2, 3 with a strawberry in your mouth and a vibrator in your pants. 2020 is all about self-quenching.