How to Lady-Wank in Public Spaces Without Being Caught

It all started when I discovered the romance section in my town’s public library at the age of 10. I wanted to know what lay in those 400-page novels without any pictures bar a cartoon cover of a ginormous-breasted woman in the arms of a muscular, dark-haired man, so I investigated. Carelessly flipping through the pages, I came across something that revolutionised masturbation and unknowingly admitted me to LWPSA (lady wankers in public spaces anonymous).

Page upon page of incredibly descriptive sex scenes. The budding writer/horn-dog in me immediately recognised the power of these words, and I started sneaking off to the romance section every week, grabbing the first book I could find and sitting in the corner, rubbing my legs together as I read. I was able to orgasm this way, and I held on secretively to this talent I found extraordinary and specific to me.

I had felt orgasms before this, although unable to name it, but the fact that words on a page could bring me this gush of pleasure was remarkable. One time, an adult came and sat at the same table where I was read-rubbing, but I continued my pursuit less vigorously, being conscious not to shake the table.

You know that familiar male complaint that women can get away with absolutely anything, but if they did it, people would throw daggers at them? Well dear man — if your counterparts did not emerge from dark alleys with their dicks out or choke their chickens on public buses while leering at women, then perhaps I would defend your right to self-pleasure in public. But male masturbation seems to be directly tied to the objectification and sexualisation of women, whereas this is not the case for us. We can flick our beans without fantasising about spanking a dude or mentally undressing the hottie that just walked past. Why? Because we are more evolved than you. We see our sexuality as more sophisticated and sacred.

Anyways.

If a man were to write a detailed article sharing discreet ways to wank in public, feminists would burn down his house while men’s rights activists would wear t-shirts with his face on them. Thankfully – for this amongst a hundred other reasons – I am not a man, so I can continue getting off in various public spaces and share tips on how you can inconspicuously do so too.

Hostels

No one enjoys putting on dirty thongs at midnight and creeping to the communal bathroom shared with nine other people to stand against a damp wall and attempt to pleasure themselves. Or worse – the confined space of a cubicle. How the fuck are you going to get turned on in such a prison-like setting?

Having travelled for years being financially forced to live mainly in hostels, I refuse to re-enact Orange Is The New Black on a weekly basis. So, I do as any lazy, self-respecting woman should – I tuck my bullet vibrator down the sheets and quietly enjoy her pulsating vibrations, as many men and women sleep, read or browse their phones around me. At first, I was only brave enough to pull the hostel Houdini when my bed had curtains around it, but as the months went on I began to care less.

One evening in Colombo, Sri Lanka, as a couple cuddled in one of their bunk beds opposite me watching a movie, I decided, Fuck you. Not only are you parading your love around, you dare to hinder a poor single girl’s attempt to find some sort of joy in life. So I did it. I put my vibrator in my pants, came and went to sleep.

When the battery begins to run out, my vibrator spontaneously buzzes very loudly, cutting through the silence of the night, but that does not stop me. Maybe people will think it’s an electronic razor… or something. Meh. It’s definitely better than the heavy panting and vigorous sheet rustling of a male masturbator.

So, summarising the essentials to effectively lady-wank in hostel rooms: get a bed with curtains around it, bring a silent bullet vibrator, do not make eye contact with anyone, do not moan, enjoy! You deserve this.

Public Transportation

When I was 17, my boyfriend fingered me on a crowded public bus in the south-eastern suburbs of Melbourne and I cringe whenever I think about it. But sometimes, you find yourself on a bus for 14 straight hours, bored out of your mind, tired of your music and podcasts and Instagram. What other activity is humanly possible to do?

You have saved 50 dollars taking this nightmarish bus rather than a flight, so you deserve a humble orgasm, my financially savvy friend. The following are important to remember if attempting to wank on public transport: the bus/train/plane should be at least 50 percent empty, seats should be high-backed, no one should be in your direct eyeline, you should have a blanket, and most importantly, it is essential that you have mastered the art of stealthy arm movements, poker face, and pretending to be fast asleep simultaneously.

I have successfully executed the transport wank on a tourist bus in Delhi following these guidelines.

Place of Employment

This one needs to be tailored to what you do and the layout of your place of work. I was a barista for four years, and however many thousands of hours I spent in a cafe during that time, I would never even think about wanking amongst the roasted beans and mounds of cocoa powder.

Know your boundaries. Ask yourself – how sanitary is it for me to spread my legs here? Am I willing to contaminate myself or others for a spurt of pleasure? How likely is it that I will be caught and subsequently fired?

After my barista days, when I held an office job, I was less hesitant to masturbate. One time while reading a 100-page report (sadly without any descriptions of pulsing manhood and juicy feminine nectar), my mind wandered off and I found myself deep in explicit fantasies. So, 10 years after first discovering my party trick, I folded my legs together in my little cubicle in the middle of the office floor and gave myself a much-deserved afternoon treat.

There is a scene in The Wolf of Wallstreet where McConaughey encourages DeCaprio to take regular breaks to snort cocaine so they can maintain the stamina and focus for their stressful job. I advocate masturbation as a less harmful mechanism for the same reason. When your boss is stressing you the fuck out, go to the bathroom. Take earphones, your phone or your vivid imagination. Do what must be done for the preservation of your sanity. Don’t you dare apologise for your absence. Say you had to do a massive shit.

The Streets

The plethora of sex toys, especially for women, is truly remarkable considering how stigmatised female sexual pleasure is in our society. Browse any sex store and there are thousands of options – big, small, internal, external, stationary, portable — to help you achieve your next earth-shattering orgasm. One very good option for wanking in The Streets is a bullet vibrator that can be tucked into your panties or vibrating panties with a remote control. Although I personally have not been daring or horny enough to try this, countless online reviews reveal women orgasming in restaurants, movie theatres and grocery stores. I want to meet these women. I applaud them. How can you just be picking up a can of beans in aisle 10 and not react when you are hit with an orgasm? Or are seated next to an elderly couple at an RSL and not shake uncontrollably when you come with chicken parma in your mouth?

I do not recommend replicating male tactics of street masturbation. Please don’t lurk in dark alleys with your fingers jammed inside of you.

So there we have it ladies – a comprehensive guide to wanking in public spaces without making anyone feel uncomfortable. Choose happiness, not repression. #LWPSA

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