I am terrified of being angry. I have never lost my cool, or had a big outburst, I don’t think I’ve ever even really yelled at someone. Instead I store it away until it becomes knots in my back, and I’m filled with resentment.
I used to pride myself on being the girl who was chill, who would laugh things off and be too cool to care. I wanted nothing more than to be the manic pixie dream girl of people’s fantasies, a Penny Lane of modern times, mysterious and whimsical and up for anything.
But this internalised misogyny backfired on me. Its fucking sad when you realise all the guys you thought were your friends are only there ‘cos they’re hoping they’ll get lucky one day.
When I was 15, I got so sick of it I wanted to be invisible. So I shaved off all my hair and wore baggy clothes and – lo and behold – it worked. Which made me furious, because it just proved that I was right: they were only there because I had pretty hair and was small and wore tight clothes.
The first time I met a guy who I thought liked me for more than just my looks, I was stoked. And then a month later, I heard him describe me as a “cookie cutter bitch”. Inside my head, it was a constant stream of fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou, but when he saw that I’d heard, I just laughed it off. Couldn’t have anyone thinking I’m a psycho bitch as well as a cookie cutter bitch.
That was at least four years ago now, and I’m still absolutely furious about it. Half because of what he said, and half at myself for not telling him to get fucked. And that makes me even more angry that I think I did something wrong.
Last year I was in a club and this dude would not leave me alone. I made it clear I wasn’t interested. Then he grabbed me and kissed me. I was too shocked at the absolute gall of this creep to react, so my best friend punched him in the face.
That inspired me so much. It honestly never occurred to me that I didn’t have to deal with this shit quietly, that I could react however I wanted, even if that reaction was a punch in the face.
I don’t want to be the manic pixie dream girl anymore. I want to be the angry goblin nightmare girl who will call you out on your shit, and not feel guilty about it.