In my dreams

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in my dream i greet everyone with apologies. my breath trails into sighs. my gaze averts downwards. my body apologises for the space it takes up. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m alive. i’m sorry. in my dream i watch from third person. i wear a top that screams whore. i apologise to my body for putting her through that. i apologise to the eyes that find my skin. i’m sorry that a singlet turned out to be a bad decision. i lived more than i am allowed to. thank you for the trauma. i have learnt my lesson. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. in my dream i am always smiling. i apologise to the men i mislead. i’m sorry their hearts get stuck between my teeth. i have always been told to smile. i thought this was what they wanted. i’m sorry. i’m alive. i’m sorry. in my dream i am the main bread winner. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry i make money. how embarrassed my partner must be. what the hell was i thinking. i thought this was what they wanted. in my dream i exist. far too much than i should. as if i could be more than a woman. in a man’s world.

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